5 Steps to Reignite the Desire in Your Long Term Relationship

“Intimacy is being seen and heard as the person you really are”- Amy Bloom

Do you miss feeling desirable…wanted…needed?  

The kids are grown.  The house is way too quiet.  And the person sitting across from you almost feels like a stranger.   How did this happen?  You used to be so in tune with one another, but over the years you have grown further and further apart.  What happened to the fun loving, passionate couple that couldn’t keep their hands off one another?  Will you ever feel that passion again? 

Sitting on the porch one morning drinking my coffee alone, yet again, I realized I could either be pitiful or powerful.  I could whine about being lonely, coming up with a million reasons why my current situation sucked, or I could come up with a solution to my problem.  I wanted to be madly in love with my husband again.  I wanted my heart to skip a beat when he came home from work.  I wanted to be excited to wake up next to him every morning.  But how could I accomplish that?  Did it require me meeting him at the door in nothing but lingerie?   Would I need to start sexting him? Or even more embarrassing…send him sexy selfies?  The thought made me cringe.

The more I thought about it, I realized while those may be things that would at least temporarily improve my husband’s desire for me, it did absolutely nothing to make me feel more connected, loved, or desirable.  If anything, I felt like a fraud playing a game.  

That’s when the light bulb started flashing at me. 

If I didn’t feel desirable, how could I have a more intimate marriage?  

My mission was clear. Find ways to feel desirable and reconnect with my husband. After months of talking with other women, reading everything about long term relationships I could get my hands on, going to therapy, and taking notes on what worked and what didn’t, I narrowed it down to 5 areas to focus on for maximum desirability.  

1. What makes you feel good in your own body?

Would a luxurious bubble bath improve your mood? Throw away the granny panties full of holes, and wear the pretty panties you’ve been saving for a special occasion…even if you’re the only one that will see them.  Choose an outfit you love, that fits great, and makes you feel like a million bucks instead of those frumpy, worn out yoga pants.  Dance to your favorite song in the kitchen while you put the dishes away.  Take a walk and let the warm sun wash over your body.  Sit in the shade with your favorite book.  This doesn’t have anything to do with what your partner wants or feels.  This is all about you, baby.  It’s the first step to prioritizing yourself and your desire.  

2. Take care of your physical health and see your desire start to immediately improve.

As much as we think laying on the couch with a bag of potato chips is going to cure our problems, or at least help us forget them for a while, our body really wants to move.  You don’t have to work out 6 days a week, eat only salads, or completely change your lifestyle.  Even small changes make a big improvement.  Instead of trying to get rid of all your bad habits try adding in a few new good ones. Take a walk.  Have a glass of water.  Go to bed on time.    Aging hormones, prescription meds, or other medical issues could be hindering your desire.  Call your doctor and get a physical.  They may have some simple solutions to improve your mood and increase your sex drive.

3. Prolonged stress kills your desire.

Your body’s first priority is keeping you safe. When you are constantly stressed your body remains in a fight or flight state.  Understanding how to settle your mind and refocus your thoughts to a more positive outcome allows your cortisol levels to lower and your desire to have a place to grow and flourish.    Slow down, take a deep breath, stretch, meditate,  pray.  That will help ease some of the tension you are feeling, but it may not immediately improve your situation. Everyone’s stress is different.  The help of a professional coach, therapist, or counselor could really expedite your healing. 

This next one may sound a bit silly to you, but I’m going to say it anyway.

4. You actually need to THINK about sex in order to WANT to have it.

Most women have a responsive desire, meaning they need a trigger to get in the mood as opposed to a spontaneous desire that comes naturally.  What a better way to trigger that feeling than to actually start thinking about sex.  Is there a memory that makes your heart beat a bit faster?  What specifically turned you on?  Was it a feeling?  A  touch?  A smell?  Reminisce about the first time with your partner.  Or when you first realized you were in love.  

And since I already have you thinking about sex, we are going to take it one step further…

5. Actually FANTASIZING about sex.

Many of us feel guilt or embarrassment when we fantasize, but let me reassure you.  You are under no obligation to share your fantasies unless you want to.  They don’t even need to be realistic or something you would want to do in real life.  Just because you fantasize about a threesome, having sex in public, or submitting to a lover doesn’t mean you actually want to make it a reality.  So go ahead, relax, and let your fantasies play out in your mind..

Bonus!

If you really want to take your desire to the next level, learn everything you can about your body.  How does it like to be touched?  Does it prefer easy or hard pressure?  Fast or slow movements?  The best way to get to know yourself is to spend some time alone.  (I know…I really am going there 😉)  It also relieves some of the pressure when your partner isn’t 100% responsible for your pleasure. It is very empowering to know exactly what you want.  It’s even more empowering when you learn how to express it.  (We will save that for a more advanced lesson.) 

It is a myth that you can’t change your sex drive or improve your desire.  Focusing on the steps above will build your desire and improve the relationship you have with yourself and your partner.  It can take you from feeling like the most passionate days of your life are behind you to having an even deeper, more intimate connection with your partner.  

If your curiosity is piqued and you want to take your desire to the next level, sign up for my free 5 day email series,  Reigniting the Desire in Your Marriage.  Each day we will dive deeper into how your desire is affected by your self care, physical health, stress levels, and your thoughts and beliefs around sex, self pleasure, and expressing yourself.  Every day you will find real actionable ways to incorporate these practices into your daily life.  Your first email is delivered shortly after you sign up so you can get started today!

Hope to see you there!