Honey, we need to talk...

For years we have been told that good communication is the answer to all of our relationship problems.  We’ve read the books, gone to the seminars, searched for advice online, and spent hours sitting in the therapist’s office trying to learn the best way to communicate with our spouse. 

And while I agree that communication is important, I’m going to say something that is pretty controversial.

Good communication is what can make a good marriage great, but is not going to be the thing that saves or even improves a relationship that is already struggling.  In all honesty, it has the potential to make it worse!

Think about it for a minute. No one wants to have a conversation that makes them feel horrible, pointing out how they have failed you once again.  And if your relationship is going through a rough patch, this is definitely how it’s going to come across.  Most of the time, we believe we are coming at it from an angle of trying to improve the situation.  They see it as giant flashing red lights that say get out of here as fast as you can. 

I know this to be true because I lived it for the first 20 years of my marriage.  

Any time I would get upset or feel wronged I would go into a long commentary about all the ways my husband screwed up and how I believed he could fix it. This usually (okay…almost always) led to an argument because he would feel attacked and I would feel like he didn’t value me or my opinion.  

I would cry like my life depended on it, only making him more and more angry.  He would try to shut down, finding any reason he could to escape, but of course I kept pushing every button I could. Eventually we would end up in a shouting match where neither of us would sleep. 

By this point he would be afraid to say anything knowing that whatever he said was going to be wrong. I was definitely going to find fault in it. 

And I would just get more and more distraught because it felt like his silence meant he no longer cared. 

Doesn’t sound like a good way to fix a situation, does it? 

I would talk with other women and hear them tell the same story.  They believed they were trying to save their marriage but they felt like their husbands were just giving up!  

And here is what I learned that changed everything for me... 

Women are driven by the need to feel connected.  They want to feel like they belong.  Men want to be valued. It’s important for them to know they are needed. This applies to their relationships, their careers, and even their friendships. 

So when we start sharing our emotions it’s typically because we want a deeper connection, but the very same conversation is making our husbands feel as if they are failing us.  

Are you beginning to understand why this doesn’t work? 

So if communication doesn’t work, what are we supposed to do? 

Well…for starters, stop trying to change what is out of your control (like your spouse), and focus on where you do have power. Focus on the story you are telling yourself, and how those stories are making you and your partner FEEL.   

Next would be to address any trauma or resentment that came to the surface after understanding where the story came from.  We can’t expect others to heal if we haven’t healed ourselves. 

Being in the coaching world for the past 10 years has proven to me that we do in fact see in others the lessons we need to learn. For example, when I first got married I was often upset when my husband wanted to spend time away from me with his friends.  I felt alone at home taking care of the kids while he was out living it up!   I was sure this meant he just wanted to have fun and didn’t take his family responsibilities as seriously as I did. 

In reality, he was under a tremendous amount of stress at work and was just trying to find a way to deal with it.  He thought if he could spend some time unwinding and having fun with the guys, it would help him manage his stress so he didn’t come home and take it out on me and the kids.  And in all honesty, I was jealous.  

But I continued to make it worse for all of us because I didn’t stop and try to understand his perspective.  I just wanted to believe he didn’t value our family as much as I did because it made me feel superior.  (That’s pretty hard to admit, even after all these years.)

Looking back I can see it as plain as day now, but at the time I was so wrapped up in that story I couldn’t see anything else.  And the fights that happened as a result could have been avoided if I would have thought about it rationally and stopped talking about how he was screwing up, and I was the one holding it all together.  (I cringe at that thought now.  I definitely wasn’t holding anything together. So happy I finally learned that lesson.)

For many, this is the first time hearing this idea.  And many will think it’s a load of crap.  But I assure you, it does work.  I’ve seen it work in my own relationship, the relationships of my friends, and the clients that I serve. 

Of course, the work doesn’t stop there.  Only when we understand how those stories affect how we feel about ourselves and our relationship, can we move forward.  Then we begin the healing process to improve our connection, increase our intimacy, understand our differences, and find the long term support to make it last a lifetime.  

That’s the formula that makes the magic happen.  Connection + Intimacy + Understanding differences + Ongoing support with a hefty dose of confidence = a reignited, vibrant, happy relationship.  

For additional support, please email amy@amyclinton.com.

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